Do squirrels recognize their moms?

Yeah, that's me. Or at least that's how I feel lately. The woman who has run Fr!nge here at Laurier these past two years has informed me that I am now the Minister of Music for this year, which is terrifically exciting. Also, we're doing this beautiful song in Jazz choir called A Child is Born (not the typical a child is born) which has this great solo, and today the Choir Director decided that I should sing it for the up coming concert. On Friday, we did a poetry reading at English Club and I didn't completely suck up the room. To make matters even better I'm surrounded by people who tell me that I rarely suck up the room, despite what my brain says. Turns out there is nothing wrong with me. In fact I just might be the most powerful woman in the universe, also known as...

She-Ra, Princess of Power!!

A Plea to My Friends

In a single week two friends of mine have announced they are dating men I had/have serious interest in, both knowing that I felt this way. I could have sworn there was an unwritten rule that you talk to your friends about this kind of thing, but I guess I was wrong. Please stop doing this to me. I'm really cool when you talk to me first. It's not so much fun to find out post-initiation. Thank you.

Note: Number two and I wouldn't have had as big of a problem if there had not been a Number One. In one fucking week. Come on now. What is the lesson? Don't trust? Be cynical and guarded? I don't like those lessons.

Amendment: Friend Two thinks I'm awesome, thinks he thinks I'm awesome, thinks I should ask him out. I think I will. Turns out life isn't total shite. :D (Still thinking about going fulfledge lesbian though. ;))

Someone to see through my bullshit. Someone to see through my daily shows. Someone who likes me enough to notice me when I'm not saying a damn thing. Someone to listen when I am. Someone I'll listen to. Someone to appreciate my passion, but knows that I'm devoted to causes with a feirceness that can be consuming. Someone that has their own passions to consume them so that I'm forced to remember my balance. Someone I can surprise with little things. Someone who won't be ashamed of or embarrassed by my loud, large, abrassive personality. Someone who likes me more than my act. Someone who remembers that 137 and 5/8th is the sweetest number conceivable. Someone to laugh as I justify and rationalize everything, no matter how lame or silly. Someone who will gently tease me over my love for crappy music and literature. Someone who understands that though I love crappy music and literature, crappy art is an abomination. Someone to sit by me while I try everything once. Someone who makes me smile when the pressure decends.

I won't always want these things, but right now, I do. Unfortunately, I doubt these "someone"s can be filled by one.

I just want what everyone else wants: too much.

Another good-bye lament

I am attempting to keep my anger from seeping onto these pages, but I just want to warn anyone looking to do me injury: don't waste your time. In the dirty strip club light shining on my existance lately, I realized that I am quite finished with people as individuals. Of course, some magnificant individual will flamenco onto this stage and change my light bulb, but for now, I'll sit back with my cigarettes and whisky, listening to Janis and Billie. Ah, Ani. "I guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache here to sing to you about how I been done wrong". Though she can't remember saying it, my mother once gave me a motto to live by: "If it's not hurting you, if it's not hurting others and it's not against your morals, then it's okay. " The emphasis is mine. I think people don't contemplate that anymore. Yes, live for the moment, die without a cent to your name, con't be another possession, but don't forget that we all have an obligation to other. If you haven't figured it out, I got the short straw this time when I didn't know there was one. Is anything ever really finished? Will it ever be left behind? (Are you noticing the theme of the ?)

A little peek at my insides

I'm often left wondering if I let people walk all over me. Am I being understanding or simply naive? I tend to be non-confrontational, even when a situation warrents confrontation. I often think that if I wasn't such a selfish coward, I'd kill myself just to stop it all. I've never known what the "it" is I am looking to stop, just that something needs to be stopped. I'm fully aware that death is not the solution, but I crave instant gratification, a quick fix. I am truly a product of our culture. I'm just like anyone, just like anyone. I empathize with it all. Where is my apathy? Don't I get just a bit? I need a little apathy to salve this wound. I am full out of apathy this time around. Goddamnit, I know plenty who have too much. Why do I get none.

Oh, and if you haven't heard any Skunk Anansie, check it out. They have a great song called Hedonism, with this line I crave: "Just because you feel good, doesn't make it right." I'll sit on the fence on this one, because often I believe in following your gut, but I hate getting hurt. Funny, this time I felt nothing. I hope it lasts, cause I don't want to think about how it will feel once the numb wears thin.