The women who looks back at me asked me who I thought I was fooling today. Nothing I wore would convince anyone that I was as tough as I tried to look, as strong as I presented myself to be. She laughed as I sprayed my pseudo-punk hair, knowing that anyone could see through the facade of courageousness. As I brought the black wet brush to my eye, she crinkled them, messing the mask I put between, blurring the harsh lines of my eyeliner. “Honey so long as you let your chocolate centre glow, who the hell is going to believe you? You’re sad and scared and faithless when you look at me.” I decided to wear a hat today.

I have to stop listening to Coldplay. (Where are your Green Eyes now? You always placed me in the frame of your other women, a composite of lost women.) Because I don't have to energy to miss you anymore, I miss you missing me. Who is left to miss me now?

Merry Christmakkah, everyone! I hope all your wishes came true. I have to work 8 hours on Boxing Day so my wish of a restful post christmas is not a reality but after that, I don't have to work again till Monday. Plenty of rest, hopefully with a new DVD player. *fingers crossed*

It's finally finished, this feverish Fall. Welcome winter! (Alliterations are awesome. (Yes!))

I'm afraid that I don't know who is reading this
I'm afraid of what it could bring

While looking randomly through the website of a friend of a friend, I realized that he lives 4 doors down from me, and that I have passed his house on several occasions walking to and from school with various individuals. This changes nothing, but I always find it fascinating the possiblities for interaction which never occur. Or the people who come back two years later when you thought they were gone. There were 2 young men in my first year poetry class who caught my eye for different reasons. The one was (and still is) a soft spoken, shy, intellegent, shaggy-haired writer that I had no interaction with in first or second year, but has become a good friend of mine this year. I remember thinking that I wanted to be his friend, but he seemed too smart (and cute) to hang with me. (Don't worry. I think all of my friends are too cute to hang out with me. I don't understand how such beautiful people can stand me.) The other had a sort of magnetism about him. I want to say he had a silent ferocity, but that sounds too clichè for the quiet, judgemental type. Number 2.2 (Number 2 will always be Swift's brother. There will never be another.) had bad hair, bad clothes, a strange manner and a way of holding my attention long after he'd stopped speaking. Now, he has great hair, stylish clothes, a relatively normal manner and nothing else that interests me except that he has made some sexist and heterosexist comments that anger me. These two men crossed my path in first year, but for what purpose? I think in part it's because in first year, they both really intimidated me. In fact, I've told my friend that I was intimidated by him in first year, because these are the stupid things I think people need to hear, which they really don't. I also told this friend that "you don't have to be a feminist to be my friend. I know you are, but it's not a requirement." And yet people still hang out with me. I'll never know why. Anyway, by getting to know my friend I've realized that we know different things and that I'm not a big dumb idiot face in comparison, I just talk a lot more so I say more stupid things. The ratio of dumb to smart is the same, the quantity of things said is vastly different. (I would actually say he is smarter but that is because I put no value in what I know. Or maybe he is just smarter.) I haven't figured out what the purpose of Number 2.2 is, other than that I can be horribly attracted to and disgusted by one person simultaneously. In first year, I was just terribly attracted to him, but this year I want him to just keep his fuckin' mouth shut so the rest of us don't have to be subjected to his ignorance. (Oh, yeah, not a cynic at all, Alysia. I can see that.) They were both taller in first year, too. I asked my friend if anything happened to his height, like he used to wear platforms or something and he said that nothing changed. Perhaps I don't feel as intellectually dominated, cause I sure as rain didn't grow.

2 Astonishing Occurances (Resulting in What May Be the Longest Post I've Ever Produced

So, I'm sitting down at my computer yesterday, checkin' my email before heading to school to shite my life away for the administration (registrar's office and add/drop forms...blech...) when the following conversartion started (my thoughts are in italics in brackets)

Jill: Lish, do you need a job?
Alysia: (There is no denying that I could always use a job)Yes, why do you ask?
Jill: My manager at work is looking for people.
Alysia: (Jill works for a Canadian clothing company where the clothes are made in Canada. It's workable.) Do you need me to send a resume to take in?
Jill: Just a sec. I'm on the phone with my manager right now.

5 minutes later

Jill: YOU'RE HIRED!
Alysia: (I've never met Jill's manager, nor have I ever worked in retail except for Nextel which doesn't count.) Uh, okay. She doesn't want a resume or to talk to me or anything? *quizical expression*
Jill: Nope, you start on Saturday and when you get home on Friday go to the store to pick up some forms to fill out. Also, email me the days you aren't available, which means your exam days as well as our family holiday on the 27th, okay?
Alysia: (Wtf?! No interview, no searching, no hassle, no scrutiny, nothing! Things don't come this easily for me, there must be a catch.) Okay, thanks, J! If that's all, then I'll email you tonight. Buona notte, bella, e grazie.
Jill:'Gnight. Oh! Wait!
Alysia:(Oh, here it is. I knew there was a catch.) What is it?
Jill: Don't forget to bring home black pants. It's part of the uniform. Love ya, hun. Bye bye.

What the shite? Well, I guess I have a job for the holidays which is sweet because I was wondering how I was going to go about buying my books for second semester after buying christmas presents. I was assessing the corner of Columbia and King as a possiblity, but then I'd have to buy a red light and a dress. Too much hassle. I want to work for the library next semester, but I'm not sure if that's gonna happen. I'm pulling the strings as much as possible though. Strange way of getting a job, though. These kind of things just don't happen to me.

Also, I've always thought of myself as a pretty content woman, leaning on the side of idealism. On friday, my Po(st)Mo(dernism) prof turned to me during class and said, "Why don't we ask the cynic what she thinks?" I gave him my answer, which was something akin to "Marriage is a means to make women subserviant", while giving him an indignant look. I had never thought of myself as a cynic before. Some one had said to me a couple weeks ago that our school paper, The Cord, was run by "a pack of cynics". (It wasn't a member of the Women's Centre. It wasn't even a woman. Chill.) At the time, I agreed with the friend, because I didn't identify with the writers of the Cord, viewing myself as a relatively optimistic person. Now, I'm the cynic. I suppose in many ways I'm cynical because I think the world has gone down the crapper and no one cares, but I don't believe this crappiness is enherant in human nature. I pasted a full moon on my bedroom window the other day, because lately it feels like every day is a full moon, everything feels so strange. I remember on MacHall one day, Matt was talking about a prof, Dave Theison, who had passed away, saying, "[Theison] was an incurable cynic, not because he thought little of human beings, but because they never lived up to the potential he saw in them." I'd like to think that if I am a cynic, that is the kind of cynic I am: a cynic who believes that humans can be better. If I am a cynic, I'm happy as a cynic. I just hope that I'm not too much of a downer to the people I'm around. Oh, well, if I am a downer, they're just to stupid to see the injustice of the world and it's stupidity. ;)