Well, that was a long blog that blogger deleted. Fuck you, blogger. I'll be back guys. I'm just frustrated at the moment. Grrr....

And I hate...

2 things I hate: trying to find a job and waiting for my marks. It isn't the interview process or the application process that I really hate, but trying to think of places to apply. To some people this may seem like a simple task where you just walk up to a business and apply, but with my father I have to be "creative" with my application. Also, I have to hand out approximately 50 applications a day, so I run out of places after about 3 days, if I'm lucky. It is also my need to avoid dealing with people in authoritative positions. I hate meeting managers. In part, this must be because I hate people passing judgement on me. I hate waiting for my marks because I'm thinking of applying to grad school so my marks have suddenly become increasingly more important. I'm thinking of getting my MLS, so my English and Women's Studies mark are more significant.

Is it a sin to abort an immaculate conception?

On Coming Home

"Thanks, but I don't think I've lost weight." "Thanks, but I haven't changed my hair." "Thanks, but I've had this sweater for awhile." "Thanks, but I don't diet." Those are a few of the responses I've given the past couple days to the questions that follow "You look great." I don't know if it is said because of society's pleasentries, or because I look "good". One thing I've noticed never follows is "Are you happy?" That is why I feel good right now, because I'm happy. I believe that is reflected in my appearance, yet we never say that, myself included. The chance that a person may see that as an invitation to talk about their emotions is frightening. All the piss and shit and lies we tell could get stripped away in that moment when someone opens up and says honestly how they feel. "Thanks, and I am happy, but I said good-bye to someone I love recently, so it kinda fluxtuates. I'm in a good moment right now." Of course, I wear my emotions like a dress, floating around, covering me. It is rather apparent if I'm unhappy. More apparent than if I changed my short hair, which I dyed recently but that was how it was when I left, so that isn't a change. I've remodeled the house in my head, allowing for more windows, and taking back some of those spare keys, letting me sleep soundly at night. My house looks good, so I look good. It's not things, but thoughts.

And so ends second year... Frig, man. Where the f did it go?

I bought a used bilingual version of Pinocchio for my Italian class and for some reason many of the "k"s on the English side are crossed out. For example, "the kindly woman" ALWAYS has the k crossed out, although, it isn't a nice cross out but a full black scribble. Also, "know" and "knew" are popular ones. All I can ask is "Why?"

So, I went on a road trip to Niagra Falls yesterday. As much as I attempt to be "cultured" (Is it culture if I self-impose it on my white-ass?), I am quite oblivious to my own nation. Yesterday was my first time visiting Niagra Falls. I was overcome by the beauty of it. It was fan-freakin'-tastic! Simply the sound of the falls was breath-taking, although my flatmates and friends gave me funny looks when I closed my eyes to just listen to it. Non-falls best time: going to the arcade where I fueled my pinball obsession for an hour or two. (I lose track of time when the pinball grabs a hold of me.) They had like 8 different pinball machines! I was in pinball heaven. I spent the majority of my time on the Twilight Zone pinball machine, though the SuperMario pinball was good as well.

I miss just picking up and going somewhere. My friend Karen and I will often just start driving and I miss that. I needed to get out of the 'loo. It is strange how a house can accumulate so many memories worthy of forgetting in 8 months. I'm not saying that I'd like to forget everything that has happened, but sometimes, if I stand a certain way, or say certain thing, or stand in my kitchen doing nothing ... I wince. Often I find myself envisioning myself laying on my back with these disfigured memories trying to smother me, and I have to kick them off with as much force as I have available. Sometimes, I am too tired to kick and I break down. But I'm a dangerous woman and more often than not my legs let me kick off and run to the car, for a road trip.

Added a "Guilty Pleasures" section, that you can either make fun of me for or agree with me. They may be things like todays, things which I'm ashamed of, or they may be things like a new flavour of ice cream, or the way I stare unabashedly at his back when he isn't looking. (He doesn't mind, trust me. ;)) Feel free to share.

3 exams in three days, three movies in three days. I'd say I'm doing pretty well. :) Good luck on your finals, my friends.

He took me
almost to the end
of eternity,
our eternity,
then he asked
"where to now? let's go"
I went home
at nightfall
while he leapt into
our eternity,
thinking I was with him
knowing I wasn't
dreaming me into
our wasted eternity
taking my dream state
by guerilla warfare
and falling with it
into rose-colored abyss.

Statistically Suicidal

I don't feel like being today. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed, but I didn't want to be in it. Can someone tell me what I'm living for? I've lost it again. I guess this is the winter after my spring. I've been consistantly happy since mid-February so I should have known it wasn't going to last forever, but geez, it moved in fast. 2 days ago: sunshine and cinnamon hearts; today: snow and baker's chocolate. I keep trying to think myself happy again. The thing that makes me get down the most is when people make fun of me behind my back. I don't mind people making fun of me. Shit, I make a fool of myself twice a day at least, with no qualms. I'm not really afraid of embarrassment. I think my biggest problem isn't that I am the butt of the joke, but that I am excluded from the joke. Let me laugh at myself with you. I don't mind if people laugh at me, in fact, many of the things are do incite that responce intentionally. Yes, I say "yo" because I'm trying to remove gender from my speech patterns. I know it's stupid but let me laugh at how stupid I am. I take myself with a grain of salt, just as everyone else must take me. It's things like that that make me wonder why I bother leaving the house, and when I feel like not interacting with people, I wonder why I'm existing at all. Today, I am the saddest clown. You can really get down in a week, eh?