And I hate

What is this? Alysia still isn't happy? In the words of Tori Amos "...and I hate disintigration..watching us wither...I can't reach you." I thought I was okay with the whole friend issue but it seems as though the harder I try to make a friend the more I can't get through. And still these people leave me. Kori left yesterday. She had left before but it was like having to watch her go twice. Maybe I feel so deserted because my friends are my loves. I have really no desire for a "significant other." ("Two can be as bad as one; it's the loneliest number since the number one.") All my love is directed towards my family and friends. I am a magic penny love-r. I give it all away to so many people but now that I have to leave I don't know if anyone will want these magic pennies of love anymore. More Tori arrives in my cluttered brain. "you're right next to me I think that you can hear me funny how the distance learns to grow. " It feels as if everyone is retreating so the hurt can't set in. Everyone I know tried to prevent a friend of mine from getting hurt by this girl but I remember him saying that he wanted to get hurt. That's me right now. I want to cry and say "see you later, crocodile." I don't want to be shut off from the pain of leaving. I don't want life to be easy. Maybe that's my problem. ah, too many maybe's not enough certainties.

Oh yes and if you met someone somewhere who is really nice one night and then is really cold a few days later, spit in their face. That's all I have to say about that.

Good-bye just shouldn't have to happen

I hate this. This week before the goodbyes are over may be the most excrutiating (sp?) I'm going to have to endure. I just had to say goodbye last night to Laura and Margaret, two amazing musicians that I have had the pleasure of knowing. I kept it in tact till I left then I lost it at another friends house. I've finally gotten rid of this feeling that I need to have more people love me (I'm a dependent by nature no matter how much I claim independence.) Now those people who love me are gone. I know they are there but I costs a fuck load more to call Montreal from Waterloo than it does to call sarnia from sarnia. Laura actually lived just down the street about five minutes (it's a long street). All these people I've gotten used to being able to guide me through shite I have to go through (teenage female, what?!) can no longer go out for coffee with me. I'll have to call them up and be like "Okay, we're having phone coffee. Make yourself a pot." The hardest thing with those two is that they are so far away. Toronto is like an hour and a half from Waterloo so those people are cool. But Montreal is like ten hours or some shite like that. Fuck this sucks.
I'm not happy.

Oh yeah, went to a party at my buddy James Brown's house last night. Solid time was had. Got to talk to some people I don't really talk to but wished I did and got some plans and numbers. Most excellent!

Why the fuck did I post a poem? I hate being a fucking girl. I just feel so down.

Baths and Heat

I was in the tub the other day (oh no I don't like where this is heading) thinking (always an abhorable idea) about relationships (I knew the direction was wrong from the get-go). Relationships can be a bit like a hot bath. You anticipate the warmth of the water as you watch it fill up or, if you're impatient, you sit and wait for it to cover you. At first its hot and steamy and you almost burn yourself but as long as you didn't start it out to hot you're okay. Then after awhile it's just lukewarm and comfortable. You feel safe. Then the water gets cold. Some may add some more hot water but most just sit back. Some will jump ship but others just sit in the water thinking about how the bath water used to be so warm or so hot. Until the tub gets drained. Ah, metaphors and thoughts. What causes you to take yourselves on. (no question mark because I don't want an answer. It's not rhetoric. I just don't want an answer.)

Canada is freaking HOT!!! I was at work today which as I previously mentioned is a chip truck and it was freaking 110° F on there (I'm Canadian but I have no clue how to translate that in to Celsius. I'm a sad case. (I wanted to write Calculus instead of Celsius. Oops! :) )) I remember visiting Florida and people asking me if I had an igloo (no lie my friend, no lie). You couldn't have an igloo in this heat. It's colder today thank god.

I was thinking today about a new and exciting thing I might do with this web log. I thought I might put on some of my own writings. What a novel idea, eh? I'm a geek and thought well you know I don't usually share all that much of my work and this one is applicable to something I'm having trouble with right now. How do you invite people to be your friend? I really think that if I could I would especially with a few people I've met lately. The problem lies in that I, though seemingly brimming over with self-confidence, am, in essence, low in self esteem. This is a problem. I wrote this piece awhile back concerning someone who I thought wanted to know ME (not me like who i am but ME as in what I am thinking and feeling and such). Anyway, it is marginally applicable so i thought, why the fuck not eh? I can always erase it later if I hate it. ;-)

The house of my mind

I once offered you the tarnished brass key to the house of my mind.
You told me you were content to stay outside.

You stared
At my house’s dark looming towers, flying buttresses and sweet gingerbread cutting.
You gawked
As the rainbow embodied strolled outside to smoke a cuban.
You listened intently for
A sandpaper voice mournfully harmonizing with a chorus of laughter.
You inhaled deeply
The scent of old books, fresh coffee and gasoline.

Minds change.
You came up to my ancient, weathered wooden door
Asking politely to borrow the skeleton key.

No.
Be content with your decision.

You now sit
at the fog covered windows
and long to see hear smell touch taste and feel
the house of my mind.

All you will ever do is
see what happens to pass by
hear the muffled sounds within
smell the faint scent of me

because to touch taste and feel
you must be

inside.



And you,
my friend
chose to remain outside.