I just realized that I averaged a post a month over the summer break. You deserve more, though you may wish for less.

I had a strange conversation with my mother today. I have been thinking about what I want to do after graduation, and I've been toying with the idea of *gasp* teacher's college *double gasp*. For years, I'd sworn upon wind and caffeine (my two great loves) that I would never go to teacher's college. Now I'm thinking I might actually like to teach. I broke the news to my mum today, and her first response was "But what about your writing?" I was shocked to say the least. They had supported my decision to become a starving musician, but I thought they were mainly relieved when that path veered. Now, Mum is alright with me becoming a starving writer? I always suspected it, but todays conversation finally super glued it into place: my parents just want me to be happy. That's really all they want. I don't think they care if I'm wildly successful or scraping to make ends met, so long as I'm doing something I love. At a time when I'm waking up panicked about the future (I know; ride the rainbow), it's beautiful to hear "but what about your writing?" They're as proud of me at protests as they are when I help someone in need. Whatever makes me feel good. I may win no more than $2 at the casino, but I sure am a lucky bitch.

I've never liked chess, which is probably because I've never been good at it. I can usually see one or two moves ahead but I can't see what my opponent will do, or what I will do in three moves time. It's not in my nature to be so calculating. Because I don't think strategically, things end up happening in my day-to-day life that I didn't expect. It's not that I don't think about the consequences of my actions; in fact, most of my day is spent thinking about what will happen with my various choices. I think about the immediate consequences, such as "who will be offended when I say this?" or "should I go out with these people I haven't seen in a while or these people I haven't seen in a while?" As you can see, most of my worries are about hurting people. Not the physical kind of hurt but injurious emotional pain, the insulting kind of hurt. We've all felt it, and it's that memory that makes me struggle to avoid causing it, makes me wish there were no little grey lies, no "don't say anything, but"s.

I played chess with a friend of mine once, and because of the calculatingly chaotic way I played, achieved stalemate. I guess calculated chaos doesn't always work out for the best. I really just want to stop playing the game.