Statistically Suicidal

I don't feel like being today. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed, but I didn't want to be in it. Can someone tell me what I'm living for? I've lost it again. I guess this is the winter after my spring. I've been consistantly happy since mid-February so I should have known it wasn't going to last forever, but geez, it moved in fast. 2 days ago: sunshine and cinnamon hearts; today: snow and baker's chocolate. I keep trying to think myself happy again. The thing that makes me get down the most is when people make fun of me behind my back. I don't mind people making fun of me. Shit, I make a fool of myself twice a day at least, with no qualms. I'm not really afraid of embarrassment. I think my biggest problem isn't that I am the butt of the joke, but that I am excluded from the joke. Let me laugh at myself with you. I don't mind if people laugh at me, in fact, many of the things are do incite that responce intentionally. Yes, I say "yo" because I'm trying to remove gender from my speech patterns. I know it's stupid but let me laugh at how stupid I am. I take myself with a grain of salt, just as everyone else must take me. It's things like that that make me wonder why I bother leaving the house, and when I feel like not interacting with people, I wonder why I'm existing at all. Today, I am the saddest clown. You can really get down in a week, eh?