Why I'm clean

I used to enjoy the sensations invoked from weed, but these days I'm clean (minus a small accident on Friday because I'm weak.) I realized about 4 years ago that I was using it to escape, as I noticed most of my friends were doing as well. I realized that I wasn't living. There was a numbness surrounding everything and "fun" was obtained only through cannabis. It was my laugh that caused me to realize the falsehood of that fun. I met this amazing guy who made me laugh, really laugh, the laugh you'll hear if you talk to me now. I used to have a stoner laugh. You know the kinda weezy, breathy, languid laugh that, from me, has no joy behind it. This guy made me laugh and I didn't know where it came from. I hadn't heard that noise before. It was honest and free. From then on I was clean. What made me realize that Friday was a mistake was my laugh again. I reverted back. All the stupid jokes I would normally moked were accentuated with the stoner laugh and all my stupid things didn't have their youthful charm, but my stoner stupidity. I couldn't handle seeing myself like that again. I'm a sensationalist. I want to feel everything with as much depth as can be allowed before I rip myself apart with bliss (or sorrow). I can't get that from pot. It's not that I think that other people can't but I can't. "I don't think that I'm better than you but I don't think that I'm worse." (-a.d.) I already live in this dream state. I don't need anything to make that dream any deeper, so I'll stay clean.

Just as an aside, many of you know about my coffee addiction and that it stems from my quiting smoking, drinking and drugs at one time but you probably don't know that I didn't drink coffee before that. I have an addictive personality and I needed something. 7 o'clock band practice helped that little addiction along. :)